So I've been living in America for just over 3 years now, and it's been difficult for me to start blogging again, because honestly, where to start? However, I've come to realize that I need it. To vent, to think out loud, to gain a wider perspective... So let's start with my thoughts and epiphanies this past month, instead of trying to think back three years and play catch up.
I've grown and matured a lot over the past couple of years, but evidently, not as much as I'd hoped, or thought. I realize, now, the kind of person I am.
I find it difficult to communicate when I'm upset. Literally, I become absolutely silent, and it takes a long time, even after I'm not upset anymore, to break myself of that silence. Pride maybe? Yet I preach that communication is key in any sort of relationship with humans: friendship, family, romantic interest, etc. To add to that hypocrisy, when I am feeling hurt, knowing that the other person is also affected, I tend to over-focus on my own feelings. I have erected a wall I didn't even realize was there... until very very recently.
I used to be the most trusting person I knew. You could tell me anything and I'd believe it's the truth, even if it isn't. I wouldn't doubt you for a second. That's why I'm such an easy target for scams and con-artists. You could stab me in the back with a blunt knife (metaphorically) and I'd forgive you, eventually, time and time again until I have a hundred thousand holes in my back. I thought I was still this girl...
Evidently, LA has jaded me. This wall hides my true feelings. I find that I have not been communicating well at all, because I'm afraid of being taken advantage of, even though in actuality I am still extremely easy to hurt; I just won't show it is all. By doing so, however, I end up keeping those feelings inside of me and they built up, forming a deep and dark depression that I only just recently realized I have been in, and I've been depressed for a long, long time now. I just never opened my eyes to that fact. Anybody who spends a good amount of time around me will tell you that I am a happy, perky type of person. I'm always smiling, and it's very easy for me to have a good time. Just hanging out with my friends is enough, no drinking or parties necessary (however, that doesn't mean that I don't attend a party or three every once in a while).
So let's come clean...
I've been depressed. I suspect that I've not simply gotten more and more sad as time has gone on, and my situation here in America has become more and more stressful, but that I've become legitimately chemically depressed. Studies have shown that the hippocampus tends to become smaller the longer a person is depressed. The cells and networks literally deteriorate. "What does this have to do with anything," you ask? Well, the hippocampus is the region of our brain that controls memory and emotions, and by sitting down and analyzing my though patterns as time has passed, I've noticed that my memory has become significantly worse since I first arrived on American soil.
It turns out that stress may actually be a main trigger in the decrease of neurons in this area of the brain, and I have been suppressing my stress for who knows how long. I've been pretending to be happy while my actual mental health very slowly started to dampen and eventually it all cam crashing down on me. I figure my levels of Dopamine, Oxytocin, Serotonin, and/or Endorphins have been really low. How did I realize this? How did I even realize I haven't really been happy? The answer is simply because I finally felt happiness again. I met somebody who has brought a certain amount of happiness into my life, and last night, my oxytocin levels spiked... I have no memories of being that happy... I felt so truly happy, I didn't know how not to smile. I felt so happy I was crying from how happy I felt. I couldn't believe it.
I'm still stressed of course, and my life is still fairly (okay, extremely) complicated, but I've come to open my eyes to my own problems and behavior. I've started analyzing the type of person I am, and I've been wondering if I want to continue being that person. That's not to say that I don't love myself. I have always been the type of person who refuses to hate herself no matter what issues come up in my life... but that's why I would change if I decided that would be best for me. I love myself enough to want to be a better person, not just for my own sake, but for the sake of those I care about. I'll probably go more into detail about it in another post, but to sum it all up:
Recently, my life has taken a turn (quite a few turns, actually), for the better, for the worse, and for what seems to be a future I really want to have for myself. I've lost a lot of self-confidence below the surface, I've
lost some support, I've hurt some people and, in turn, get hurt as well, and I've met somebody who defies almost everything I've ever known to be true about myself. For the first time in my life, I am seriously thinking about the future, and wanting to do everything in my power to achieve this future I have planned out for myself. Okay, yes, I may be talking about a future with a guy, but this far surpasses just the dreams of "love" and romance. I have never ever dreamed of marriage, and to be honest, I have always thought that I never would want to have this experience at all... but somehow this thought, with him, makes me so happy.
He's not romantic. At all. He's kind of immature and extremely inappropriate. He isn't the kind of guy that is generically perfect in any way, and he's kinda selfish sometimes. Ask me why I love him, and I probably wont be able to answer you, but not because I don't know, but because the answer is so extensive and there is so much to it under the surface, and I can never truly express how grateful I am to have him in my life... but if I had to summarize my answer, I could say that it's because he unintentionally pushes me to go past my limits, and thanks to him I am able to understand myself more than I ever have before, and become a better me for myself, my own ambitions, and ultimately (by default) for everybody around me.
That and he's the first person in my 23 years of life that I have been in a relationship with that I have been so perfectly physically attracted to. Yeah, to others he may seem average, or look like any other really skinny Asian guy you meet on the street, but to me he is beautiful... breathtaking! Not to say that it's only his looks I'm attracted to, no. He's also really funny, very interesting to talk to, and super adorable. I just mean to say that this is the first time I have found the perfect balance (for me) between personality and physical appearance.
Anyway... I feel like I've gone super off track, haha! I'll probably find my train of thought some other time and continue on. For now, I am hungry... and so I feast! (On instant ramen! Yay, poverty!)
To conclude, though this is not the beginning of my story, it most certainly is not quite the end either.
Without Wax,
Ma5y ♥
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