Some Reality to End the Year

I'm not perfect. I'm not always the good person I try to be. Heck, sometimes, I don’t even think about whether or not I’m being a good person at all. I've done terrible things, and I don't doubt that I still will in the future. However, I have also willingly sacrificed much for other times, though admittedly sometimes less willingly than others. I'm just another filthy human trying to live my life, trying to survive, trying to be happy - same as all of you.

You don't have to see me the way I see myself. If you think I'm a demon, that’s alright. If you think I'm an angel, that’s great. I am a million different people, because of the person I am in the minds of each and every person that has ever met me... and I'm fine with that... and you should all be too. Let us all try our best to be good people to each other, but also understand that sometimes that's not always possible simply because of the clashing interests of every human being alive

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Sometimes what I want isn't what you want. So one of us is going to have to be miserable until we find happiness in something else. I’ve had to make some hard decisions. I’ve destroyed more than one person by deciding that I didn’t want to be in their lives anymore. I didn’t want to hurt them. I hurt them. I knew I would hurt them. I hurt them. However, I am not going to regret making decisions that made my own life easier, or happier, or less stressful. Sometimes we must be selfish in order to move forward, even though that might mean setting other people back, or leaving them frozen in time. All we can do is hope that they find closure, heal, and find happiness that we could no longer give them. We will feel guilty for a while... and then we wont.

Even though the people we hurt may not heal for years, or decades, or maybe even ever... It is up to them to find their own path. It is up to them to handle the disaster that we brought to their lives. It is up to them to grieve and grieve until they can find it in themselves to pick up the pieces and move forward. At their own pace. We all have our own pace. Some of us heal fast, and some are not as quick. Even if the tragedies we face are of the same level, no person on Earth will handle it the exact same way as you. Try to understand that somebody has felt pain, even though you don’t know how badly they suffered.

We will all experience a moment in our lives when we feel like we will never be able to heal. We are damaged beyond all repair... and that’s okay. Grieve. Cry. Be angry and bitter and hurt. That’s all okay. We are human. However, if you are to find any sort of happiness again, we must fight ourselves for the right to find it. We must thrash and crawl and fall and climb, and face countless battles within ourselves to remind ourselves that we deserve to be happy. We can only control our own actions, not the actions of others. We can only change our own feelings, not the feelings of others. Choose to live with the pain if you must. Some of us die inside and never come back. We are broken. Some of us recover well and find happiness by forgetting the pain.

Some of us live with the pain forever... and yet it cannot stop us from still experiencing happiness in some form or another. Pain is not something to fear, but something to teach us the meaning of happiness. It can help us grow in so many ways, and we are never ever done growing as humans. Never. It can show us parts of ourselves that we don’t want to be, or want to be, or have been and just never knew it. It can open our eyes, force us to look outside of ourselves and see the pain of others. It can make us completely devoid of love, or it can make us love ever harder. It shapes who we have been, who we are, and who we will become.

We are ever changing. Sometimes we remain stuck in the same place for years, never changing in major ways or philosophies... yet every single day, we change just a little bit. Sometimes something happens and we change a lot, all in one go. Change is inevitable. Change is natural, though most of us hate it. Life changes, yet we almost never notice because it happens a little at a time. When did you start drinking? When did you start smoking? When did you become kind? When did you become cruel? When did you give up? When did you start hoping again? Who are you now? Who am I?

Who am I? Though I may not completely know the answer, I know this: I am alive. I have been through a lot of pain. I have had a lot of happiness. I have endured hardships. I have been given many blessings. I have cried so desperately that I bled without wanting to bleed. I have laughed so hard that I stopped breathing long enough to pass out from lack of oxygen. I have experienced happiness so glorious that I cried and smiled and couldn’t stop doing either for many many minutes. I have felt failure so devastating that I lost all emotion, personality, expression... humanity. I have experienced success so small yet so wonderful that though others may not see achievement in them, I know that they have drastically changed my future. I have felt depression, inspiration, fear, excitement, heartbreak, love...

I am alive.

Presently, my own life isn’t perfect, just as I am not perfect. I have changed so much. time and time again, I have changed. Whether I wanted to or not, change has befallen me - both good and bad. This is because I have lived. I still experience so much pain from people who I love and care about with all my heart and soul. Of course that’s who made us feel pain. Why would we hurt from somebody we do not care about? Yet I experience happiness too from time to time, and that’s perfectly enough for me. That’s just the way life goes, and though I’m not always okay with that, deep down inside my heart I know that there is nothing I can do about it, so why let it take away what happiness I do have? Sometimes I wonder if I’m going anywhere, if the people I love really value me in their lives, if I’m going to live the life that I always envisioned. Though I may never really know the answers to the first two, I know for sure that there is no way my life is going to be exactly what I wanted... and I’m okay with that. Where there are mishaps and tragedy, we also find blessings and joy.

We are alive!

The people in our lives that we care about are ever changing just as we are. Some of them will stay with us forever. Accordingly, some of them will betray us, hurt us, destroy us... or we will do that to them. It is up to each of us to decide what to do and where to go from there. We can only control what we think and do. We cannot control the way life goes. We cannot control what people will do to us, say to us, or think of us. It is devastating, and exhilarating, and exciting, and frustrating, and terrible, and wonderful all at once! We just need to set our own minds to what it is we want to take from it all.

To be alive is to feel both pain and pleasure. Life is BitterSweet, my dears.

I have made many friends, and possibly just as many enemies. I myself do not currently hate anybody, but I am certain there are people who hate me. There are people who have hurt me, and once to the point of an almost successful suicide attempt. The are people I have hurt just as badly, or to a greater extent. There are also people who I have come to care so much about. I have met so many awesome people that I have come to enjoy the company of. We have great conversations sometimes, and sometimes we just hang out and mess about. There are people that I’m super awkward around, but desperately want to be friends with. Will I be friends with them one day? Sometimes yes, sometimes no.

There are people I love much more than they love me, and there are people who care for me much more than I care for them. There are people I have had crushes on and got rejected by, or never got to be with due to circumstances in life, or simply never confessed to. I’m sure I’ve been that person for others as well. We need to be strong when things end, because not everything is forever. Do not defy yourself your humanity though. It’s okay to feel negative emotions, to cry, to rage... but let there be a day when you finally stand up and prepare yourself for life once more. We are human.

I have a ridiculously high amount of flaws - some of which I am not fond of, and some of which I cannot feel ashamed of. However, I also have many aspects about myself that I am extremely proud of, even if others do not like that about me. I have different standards and morals and values. We all do. For example, I do not like to be presumptuous. I try my hardest not to judge anybody, even if I think I know them well. I make a point of trying to never make assumptions. My guesses and instincts are taken into account, but I also force myself to remember that others do not see the world as I do, think as I do, or behave as I do for the same or different reasons. However, other people pride themselves in being able to tell exactly what kind of person somebody is at first glance. I personally believe that isn’t something that is completely possible, but who am I to judge them? Life has given them different abilities, views, patterns, mindsets... We are human.

For those suffering from any anxiety, depression, or mental illness that is keeping us from achieving any of this easily, or even at all... I know it’s hard. I won’t say you just have to try harder, because I know how wrong that would be to say. I’m sorry that we have to go through any of this... I am here for you. I am with you. When you want to wail and cry, panic and die inside, or just sit there feeling empty, I just want to remind you that it’s okay. Go for it, but do not allow yourself to disappear just yet. Though I may not understand exactly what you are going through, though I cannot possibly fathom how difficult the challenges you are facing must be for you, I understand that you are hurting... and I am here for you.

Hopefully, I am not the only one, because God knows how my own mental health and social anxiety may prevent me from telling you exactly how important you are. There are people who love you. It’s so hard to remember this... I know... but you are loved. You are important. We may be broken, but we are worth way more than our weight in gold. Stay strong and keep fighting. There isn’t a person alive who won’t, at some point in their lives, need help with coping. We are only different in that we may need it more often than most... and that’s okay. Find the people who will support you, who will stay with you through thick and thin, who will understand that things aren’t as simple to deal with as they seem to them, who will remind you that they are there, and you are important. We are human too.

I’m not done changing. Every day, I change a little. Sometimes it’s by accident, and sometimes it’s on purpose. I change myself to make my life more bearable. I change myself to make somebody else’s life more bearable. I change for compromise. I change for love. I change for me. Sometimes it’s tedious, painful, hard, and frustrating. Why should I be the one to change? Why should I be the one to force myself to be okay with something I wasn’t okay with before just so neither of us will suffer? The answer is right there. I do not want to suffer. I choose happiness, though it is almost never easy. If I love somebody, I will go through this challenge, this hardship, because I don’t want to suffer... and I don’t want them to suffer for it either.

Sometimes I change because I’m selfish. I’m not proud of making others sad or hurt, but sometimes we must be selfish in order to save our own lives from misery. It is so difficult for any of us to be selfish anymore if we want to be good people... but we must find balance. Do not take away from others if you can stand to live as you are living. Do not take away from others for the sake of taking, or out of spite or hatred. Do not be overly selfish, only be selfish enough to keep things fair for yourself. It is a hard line to walk. I am not perfect. Sometimes I feel shame. Sometimes I hate how I behave. Sometimes I loathe the things I’ve said in pain or anger... but I will never truly hate myself - for I am only human.

We are only human. Be good to yourself.

Happy New Year everybody <3

Spring 2016

Summer Vacation basically just started for me. Last semester was very eventful for me, not just at school, but in my personal life as well. Let's start with the end of last year...

I lived with my best friend Karine, and our other roommate Eri. We'd all gone to the same music school, but eventually Eri decided to move in with her boyfriend and his mom. Her boyfriend happens to be a really close friend of mine from music school too, Scotty. Anyway, Eri moved out, and this lady (Paula) moved in. We also happened to be housing an old friend of mine from school, but I wont name him, because things didn't end well with us. Oh, and my boyfriend at the time, Andi, was kind of living with us too. He had started to move his things in, and help pay for utilities and such, since he was basically always there, and basically living there. The five of us lived together fairly peacefully for a few months. Back to the story.

Because of my school mate, we ended up being burgled of a lot of money. More than a month's worth of rent. We live in Pasadena. Imagine how much that is. To this day, we still don't really know the real story. It may have been an inside job, or an accomplice, or maybe he was telling the truth. His story is kinda far fetched though, especially since absolutely none of our valuables or electronics went missing even though they were out in the open... Just the money was taken, so I don't know. Anyway, thanks to this, Paula's reluctance to pay the full amount of rent that she agreed to pay upon moving in, and our land-lady raising the entire building's rent by $275, we ended up having to get rid of Paula and my schoolmate. 

We stayed another month after that, but the rent was way too much to handle between only Karine, Andi, and I.. So we decided it would be best to move out. We packed up all our stuff, moved them off to a storage unit we decided to rent, Karine and I ended up living in Scotty's mom's living room. and Andi moved back to his grandfather's place. On a side note, I guess this was a good idea for Andi. Things were very rocky with us. We both had problems, and though I don't quite know what his exact issues with me were, I know he had good cause. For me, the truth is that I just didn't quite feel love for him anymore the way he may have felt for me, and I felt like that was unfair to the both of us. I felt like I wasn't treating him as well as somebody else could. I found myself more often easily irritated by him. He didn't deserve that. 

I wanted to give each of us a chance to maybe one day find somebody we could look at, and every single time just feel like "This is the right choice for me". We ended on a civil note, but stuff happened, his friends got really overprotective and outright attacked me, he became a victim, I became a villain, and a victim, and it wasn't civil anymore, and then it was, and then it wasn't... and it's kind of been cycling ever since, but much more peacefully. Anyway, where was I? Oh right, Karine and I were basically homeless... couch sleepers.

This was how November, December, and January passed. I transitioned from Andi, to Darren somewhere along the way. I used to be polyamorous, and anybody I intended to be involved with was warned long before they got involved with me. Just in case they decided it wasn't worth it. Darren is different. I want to be with Darren. Just Darren. Every time I look at him, I'm filled with pride and joy. Anyway, I'm not meant to be talking about my love life, but there you go. Moving on. 

School started off nice and slow. I had few classes, and none of them are in the morning. Just how I like it. To make it better, I only had school on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I came to school on those days for class at 1pm, and Latin class ending my school day at 9.30pm. Day's passed and I always came home late cuz I didn't like being in a home where I felt like a mooch. It wasn't my home, and I'd grown accustomed to living by own own set of rules. It's not like I lived with no rules before, they were just a completely different set of rules. Shared space vs Family home. Roommates vs Filipino mother. When I wasn't in class, I mostly spent time at TROPA (The Reunited Organisation of Pilipino Americans) to prepare for the PCN (Pilipino Culture Night), and when I wasn't there rehearsing till the sun went down, I spent time with my friends at the stairs and with Darren. 

I suffered some loss that first half of the semester. First, I lost a friend. I called her my best friend, and she kinda felt like a little sister (even though she is older than me). I took care of her (maybe too much, too often), and one day I was so drained from the requirements of our friendship, I tried to force her to "grow up" much faster than she could handle. I admit, I got selfish, because I felt that she had been selfish, and I deserved a turn. We didn't talk for over a month. She feared me. In the end, some stuff happened, and I just lost all trust in her, and she in me. During all of that, something much worse took my soul and turned it cold. I got word from home that one of my close friends from school died in a car accident. This is the second friend back home in Africa that I have lost to a car crash since I moved here to America. I don't have the money for a plane ticket back, so I've never been back my entire 3+ years here. I cried so much during that time. It was the second time I never got to say goodbye. 

I ended up dropping my Latin class because of that. I couldn't spend nights at school with the feeling of loss in my chest, and my teacher said it was okay for me not to come, because she understood. However that meant that I missed some really important Latin lessons. I couldn't keep up by the time I got back. It was pretty bad. That class was worth 5 units, and as an international student, I always have to take a minimum of 12 units per semester, but because I am financially unstable, and the cost of tuition for an international students at PCC is $280 per unit plus registration and health fees, I only ever take the minimum 12 units. I lost 5 of those 12 units, so I had to replace them. However, I dropped the class so late, I still had to pay for those 5 units on top of the minimum 12. I still owe the school money. Hopefully I can work it off over the summer. Odd jobs, of course, because international students are not legally permitted employment.

Anyway, I found some classes that started after spring break and took place over the course of the second half of the semester. I had to take a morning class, because that was one of my only available options. It ended up being kind of fun and interesting (but screw coming to school at 9am, agh, it was terrible). I was taking an accelerated honors speech class that only lasted the first half of the semester with this really really awesome Teacher, Josh Fleming, at the time. I decided to take his Argumentation and Debate class that would take place during the same time slot in my schedule, but during the second half of the semester. 

I also auditioned for this play he was directing, and got cast. I'll tell you about that later in the story. I also auditioned for another play, Tennessee Williams' Summer and Smoke, to fill my last credit and got cast as an extra (Hey, you can't win em all, and I met some really cool, talented people. It was a really good experience). I also happened to be taking a choral choir class and so I ended up having a very very busy and stressful but overall productive semester at school. I was at school. I had two plays to rehearse for, a choral choir with two upcoming concerts, a morning class that had me at school before I had a chance for any real sleep, Argumentation and Debate class and cases, and TROPA's PCN practices on top of it all.

The plays ended up being amazing. I'm so proud to have been a part of Josh's play. "The Rape Show" was a performance art presentation that aimed to bring awareness to the terrible presence of rape culture, and especially its presence on college and university campuses. It's an issue that is close to my own heart, and it was very emotional to be a part of the cast. It was a heavy topic, filled with triggers and sensitive content. In the end though, I was so glad to have been a part of it. We spread so much awareness, and we also managed to help bring a certain amount of closure to rape victims who were a part of, or who watched the show. We rehearsed every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday from noon for 2 and a half hours, and had 5 show days that were filled with emotion, anxiety, and pride. 

PCN went great too, and my two choral concerts ended up being really fun. Summer and Smoke took up all of my evening. Every single day from Monday to Friday starting at 6pm, and ending late, sometimes around 11pm. We even rehearsed a Saturday or two before opening night. We showed for two weekends, Thursday night, Friday night and Saturday Matinee and Evening. It was tiring, and stressful, and grueling, even just as an extra. I can only imagine the stress the main cast and crew were going through. However, it ended up being a very good experience, and I met some fun people, and some very talented people.

Gosh just thinking about last semester make my brain tired, haha! Anyway, beyond school, last semester in February, I moved into this really nice apartment in Old Town Pasadena with an international student friend from my intake semester. It's been so stressful moving out of storage and into here... I have too much stuff, and it doesn't all fit. I've been trying to clean, but I need to start throwing things out or donating stuff or something if I intend to really get all this organized. Now that's it's summer vacation, I finally have time for it all. It's been a kind of uncomfortable situation, but I've gotten a little more comfortable here since school closed for summer. 

Until now, I've mostly been spending the night at Darren's place. His parents love me. That makes me so glad. His mom is literally the kindest person I have ever known in my entire life. She is so sweet (even though she's diabetic - budum tssss - bad joke). His dad's kind of weird, and kind of inappropriate (I see where he gets it from, haha), but he's funny (in a dad way), and in the end, he loves Darren and really wants what's best for him, so I really feel honored that he considers me as something that's good for his son. His sister is really cool too. Jessica has been through a lot, but she has fought through it all, and she has a Masters' Degree, started off on a really good career path, and has really awesome musical taste. She's nice to talk to, and she understand my perspective when her brother and I have a disagreement. She's been having it real rough recently, but I'm routing for her... I wanna be there for her, but I feel awkwardly useless when she seeks me out for company or something.

Hopefully I can sort out as much as I can this summer. My life has kind of been all over the place, so I am trying to find focus, and Darren's presence in my life is really helping me. He's the exact opposite from me in almost every way, and it brings a lot of balance and perspective to my life. My mind has started forcing its way through the cage created by the combination of my ADHD and the way I was never raised to know how to do anything for myself. We're both really immature in certain ways, and really mature in others, but in the opposite aspects, and in a case or two, in the same aspect. We've brought an amount of balance to each other's lives, and I think we can be really good for helping each other grow. He's already started helping me start to grow out of my bad habits, sometimes. I would like to hope I can be good for him too, the way he is for me.

One last thing. Karine moved back to Norway this month. I'm so sad. I miss her. This is also one of the reasons I have so much stuff... She gave me all her stuff when she left O.o Anyway, I've lost my train of thought again xD Damn. Next time!

Without Wax,

Ma5y ♥

Not Quite the Beginning...

So I've been living in America for just over 3 years now, and it's been difficult for me to start blogging again, because honestly, where to start? However, I've come to realize that I need it. To vent, to think out loud, to gain a wider perspective... So let's start with my thoughts and epiphanies this past month, instead of trying to think back three years and play catch up.

I've grown and matured a lot over the past couple of years, but evidently, not as much as I'd hoped, or thought. I realize, now, the kind of person I am.

I find it difficult to communicate when I'm upset. Literally, I become absolutely silent, and it takes a long time, even after I'm not upset anymore, to break myself of that silence. Pride maybe? Yet I preach that communication is key in any sort of relationship with humans: friendship, family, romantic interest, etc. To add to that hypocrisy, when I am feeling hurt, knowing that the other person is also affected, I tend to over-focus on my own feelings. I have erected a wall I didn't even realize was there... until very very recently.

I used to be the most trusting person I knew. You could tell me anything and I'd believe it's the truth, even if it isn't. I wouldn't doubt you for a second. That's why I'm such an easy target for scams and con-artists. You could stab me in the back with a blunt knife (metaphorically) and I'd forgive you, eventually, time and time again until I have a hundred thousand holes in my back. I thought I was still this girl...

Evidently, LA has jaded me. This wall hides my true feelings. I find that I have not been communicating well at all, because I'm afraid of being taken advantage of, even though in actuality I am still extremely easy to hurt; I just won't show it is all. By doing so, however, I end up keeping those feelings inside of me and they built up, forming a deep and dark depression that I only just recently realized I have been in, and I've been depressed for a long, long time now. I just never opened my eyes to that fact. Anybody who spends a good amount of time around me will tell you that I am a happy, perky type of person. I'm always smiling, and it's very easy for me to have a good time. Just hanging out with my friends is enough, no drinking or parties necessary (however, that doesn't mean that I don't attend a party or three every once in a while).

So let's come clean...

I've been depressed. I suspect that I've not simply gotten more and more sad as time has gone on, and my situation here in America has become more and more stressful, but that I've become legitimately chemically depressed. Studies have shown that the hippocampus tends to become smaller the longer a person is depressed. The cells and networks literally deteriorate. "What does this have to do with anything," you ask? Well, the hippocampus is the region of our brain that controls memory and emotions, and by sitting down and analyzing my though patterns as time has passed, I've noticed that my memory has become significantly worse since I first arrived on American soil.

It turns out that stress may actually be a main trigger in the decrease of neurons in this area of the brain, and I have been suppressing my stress for who knows how long. I've been pretending to be happy while my actual mental health very slowly started to dampen and eventually it all cam crashing down on me. I figure my levels of  Dopamine, Oxytocin, Serotonin, and/or Endorphins have been really low. How did I realize this? How did I even realize I haven't really been happy? The answer is simply because I finally felt happiness again. I met somebody who has brought a certain amount of happiness into my life, and last night, my oxytocin levels spiked... I have no memories of being that happy... I felt so truly happy, I didn't know how not to smile. I felt so happy I was crying from how happy I felt. I couldn't believe it.

I'm still stressed of course, and my life is still fairly (okay, extremely) complicated, but I've come to open my eyes to my own problems and behavior. I've started analyzing the type of person I am, and I've been wondering if I want to continue being that person. That's not to say that I don't love myself. I have always been the type of person who refuses to hate herself no matter what issues come up in my life... but that's why I would change if I decided that would be best for me. I love myself enough to want to be a better person, not just for my own sake, but for the sake of those I care about. I'll probably go more into detail about it in another post, but to sum it all up:

Recently, my life has taken a turn (quite a few turns, actually), for the better, for the worse, and for what seems to be a future I really want to have for myself. I've lost a lot of self-confidence below the surface, I've
lost some support, I've hurt some people and, in turn, get hurt as well, and I've met somebody who defies almost everything I've ever known to be true about myself. For the first time in my life, I am seriously thinking about the future, and wanting to do everything in my power to achieve this future I have planned out for myself. Okay, yes, I may be talking about a future with a guy, but this far surpasses just the dreams of "love" and romance. I have never ever dreamed of marriage, and to be honest, I have always thought that I never would want to have this experience at all... but somehow this thought, with him, makes me so happy.

He's not romantic. At all. He's kind of immature and extremely inappropriate. He isn't the kind of guy that is generically perfect in any way, and he's kinda selfish sometimes. Ask me why I love him, and I probably wont be able to answer you, but not because I don't know, but because the answer is so extensive and there is so much to it under the surface, and I can never truly express how grateful I am to have him in my life... but if I had to summarize my answer, I could say that it's because he unintentionally pushes me to go past my limits, and thanks to him I am able to understand myself more than I ever have before, and become a better me for myself, my own ambitions, and ultimately (by default) for everybody around me.

That and he's the first person in my 23 years of life that I have been in a relationship with that I have been so perfectly physically attracted to. Yeah, to others he may seem average, or look like any other really skinny Asian guy you meet on the street, but to me he is beautiful... breathtaking! Not to say that it's only his looks I'm attracted to, no. He's also really funny, very interesting to talk to, and super adorable. I just mean to say that this is the first time I have found the perfect balance (for me) between personality and physical appearance.

Anyway... I feel like I've gone super off track, haha! I'll probably find my train of thought some other time and continue on. For now, I am hungry... and so I feast! (On instant ramen! Yay, poverty!)

To conclude, though this is not the beginning of my story, it most certainly is not quite the end either.

Without Wax,
Ma5y ♥